Posted by: mostwanted | Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Long List of Some (Much Needed) Tech Humor

The E-Bible!

· In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
· And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
· And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
· And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
· And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
· And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
· And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
· And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
· And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
· But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
· And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
· And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
· And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows could replace it.
· So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
· And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to !
· And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
· And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
· And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
· And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
· GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Computer rules


· When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
· When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
· The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
· When the going gets tough, upgrade.
· For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
· He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
· A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
· The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
· A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Computers are Like Women…


o No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
o The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
o Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
o As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
o You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.

Computer Industry Acronyms


IBM: I Blame Microsoft
PnP: Plug and Pray
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

SDC…

· Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
· Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
· Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
· Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
· Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
· Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
· Users find 137 new bugs.
· Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
· Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
· Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji . Entire testing department quits.
· Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
· New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
· Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

If computer errors were written as haikus


Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.

This site has moved.
We’d tell you where, but then
we’d have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?


Computer Messages: what they say and what they mean by it

Press Any Key.
Press any key you like but I’m not moving.
Press A Key.
Nothing happens unless you press the ‘A’ key.
Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E…
… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.
Installing program to C:\…
… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.
Not enough memory.
I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.
Cannot read from drive D:…
…however, if you put the CD in right side up…
Please Wait…
…indefinitely.
Directory does not exist…
….any more. Woops.
The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.


You Might Be a Computers’ Support Technician if…


o when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
o you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
o you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
o after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
o you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
o you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
o you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
o you disdain people who use low baud rates.
o you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
o you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
o you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
o you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
o you see a bumper sticker that says “Users are Losers” and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
o you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
o you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track pad.
o you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.

Probing questions

· Describe your problem.
· Now, describe the problem accurately.
· Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
· Is your computer plugged in?
· Is it turned on?
· Have you tried to fix it yourself?
· Have you made it worse?
· Have you read the manual?
· Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
· Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
· Do you think you understood it?
· If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
· What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
· If ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in.
· Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
· Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
· Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me?


A guide to man-machine interface

USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping
USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don’t understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?
USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I’m sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that’s what I’ll do.
USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?
USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that’s not quite right is it? Let’s try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.
USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I’m so very, very sorry but I don’t understand that. I’m sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I’ll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who’s made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don’t think.
USER-INSULTING
C:\ DUR
F*ck off
C:\ DIR
F*ck off
USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere
USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
…etc
USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I’m sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.
USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don’t bother me with trivial requests. I’m busy.

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