Posted by: mostwanted | Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Random Facts about Jack Bauer – The Real American Badass Hero!

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We’re in a Flank Two Position here. You got that? FLANK. TWO. POSITION.

If everyone followed Jack Bauer’s orders, the show wouldnt be called 24, it would be called 12 instead.

Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer doesn’t wash his clothes. He tortures them until they’re clean.The only reason you’re conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

Jack Bauer was once shot. The bullet was destroyed on impact.

Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.

Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.

When Jack Bauer walks into CTU, everyone looks the otherway because they’re afraid to stare him in the eyes.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed. So no one knows.

When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer has had sex with every woman in the world, including Chuck Norris.

When in Jack Bauer’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

During an interrogation, Jack Bauer ripped off the suspects head and yelled into the exposed esophagus, “I’M JACK BAUER!!!? This caused a chain reaction of the stomach exploding due to an overflow of testosterone and crap soaked walls.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twenty miles away.

Jack Bauer did better than Chuck Morris on his SATs… he got a 1503.

4 years ago Jack Bauer picked up an addiction to heroin just so he could beat the crap out of it.

Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body… because he’s broken every one of them.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Only once, no one ever tried that again.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no mere mortal of a man.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times over. What the fuck have you done with your life lately??

The heat generated from Jack Bauer’s chest could provide heat for several third world countries.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris’ neck into 24 pieces.

*Yes I said it, Chuch Norris sucks. Jack Bauer and 24 for the win!*

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{ More fun @ Jack vs. Chuck – Blood, Sweat, & Fear }

{ Official WikiHero Page :: Jack Bauer }

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